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 Parent Care By Ruth Lennox
This remark was made to us by my father-in-law. My husband John and I didn't appreciate the significance of it until much later. It wasn't until Father himself was admitted to the hospital with heart failure that we realized that Mother had, in fact, Alzheimer's disease. Only then did we realize that what Father had been trying to say was "Your mother isn't coping at home." What should we do? We bought Mother an alarm button to wear around her neck, only to discover it on her dresser one morning. We thought that both of them would need to be together in some nursing home, but they said that was the last place they wanted to go. We considered moving them to our own home, but realized that Father would never manage the stairs. Then John's brother came from England to visit his parents, summed up the situation and told them, "Mother won't be able to look after Father at home when he leaves the hospital so we'd better get your names on a waiting list for a nursing home." To our surprise, they meekly agreed. This was their older son speaking! Father never did leave the hospital, but died two months later. Meanwhile, we tried to get Mother some home help. She vowed, "I'm all right; God will take care of me." I told my husband we should bring her to our home. I was feeling guilty about the situation. My sensible and logical husband pointed out that we were both family physicians and out most of the day, sometimes in the evenings, and at night. She was better off in the seniors complex condominium than in our house. There, at least, there were neighbors around all the time and she had no stairs. Her condominium had two bedrooms so what about getting someone live in with her? We advertised and got no response, which was as well as Mother stoutly declared she wouldn't have anyone sharing her house. One of us visited her almost every day, but the guilt and the worry continued, and Mother's mental condition gradually deteriorated. One day, we had the phone call we were waiting for. There was a room available at the nursing home they had chosen. Did we still want it? "Oh, and by the way, you have two days to move your mother in or the room goes to the next on the list." We said yes, we most certainly wanted it and we would have her moved in two days. Then we told Mother "I'm not going to any nursing home," was the response we got. "But you said you would go. You signed the form," we argued. "But that was for your father's sake, not mine." Apparently, her short-term memory hadn't gone completely. Where was our gentle, unassuming, compliant mother, we wondered. We finally managed to get her into the nursing home, and in two days we had her set up in a pleasant room with caring staff, some old friends, and good food. While we were both relieved, I still felt guilty about not taking her into our home. Much later, I read a book that would be helpful to everyone in this situation. It's called Caring for your Aging Parents. When Love Is Not Enough, by Barbara Deane, NavPress, 1989. My guilt left and I knew we had done what was best for Mother, even if she never believed that herself. Also, I realized more fully what it would have been like to have taken her into our home. Gradually, Mother went downhill until she didn't recognize anyone, even her own daughter when she came to visit her from England. She needed constant watching and personal care. Her personality changed from the sweet, loving person we had known to an unhappy, confused, physically ill and, at times, hostile person. Finally, she couldn't eat and she went into a coma. She died peaceably on December 31, just four years after her husband of 62 years had died. For those struggling with a situation like we had, I would give this advice from our experience and from reading Barbara Deane's book. 1. Remember your parent's frailty and loss of health is not your fault. It is part of living in this world. 2. You will never be able to give back to your parents what they had in earlier years, or what they now think they want. 3. Appreciate they are going through a major series of losses—spouse, health, home and, most important, independence. Do what you can to alleviate these losses realizing that it will never be perfect. 4. Realize that what they say may not be the message they want you to hear. It may take a lot of listening to actually "hear." 5. If possible, ascertain their likely needs before they reach the stage of helplessness. 6. Give them positive feedback. We all enjoy some praise from time to time. Their stories may be tedious when you've heard them many times, but if you show you appreciate what they went through they will love you all the more for it. 7. Regular visits are usually good for relationships, even if the parent doesn't remember that you have visited them. John used to take his lunch almost every weekday and eat it with his mother in her room at the nursing home. At first, I resented this, but I came to realize that they both needed this. He continued it even when his mother would sometimes greet him on Friday with, "Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week." Her short-term memory had almost completely gone by this time. 8. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. If there are other siblings, tell them frankly what the needs are. Find out what help is available in your area. This varies from place to place and from country to country. 9. Go to God often for help. You will need Him more than ever at this time. 10. Above all, remember "You too have a right to live. . . .Care giving is not synonymous with martyrdom." With God's help and lots of patience and love, you can fulfill the commandment to "Honour your parents" in their waning years, and it can be a rewarding experience. One of the most moving things that happened was after the funeral when John's sister and brother thanked us for what we had done to make their parents' last years comfortable. Ruth Lennox remains active although she has had three retirement celebrations from general medicine practice in 1995, from women's ministries director for the BC Conference in 2003 and from liaison person fro women's ministries for the SDACC in 2004. _______________________________ Reprinted with permission from Canadian Adventist Messenger, August, 2005. Answers © 2010 AnswersForMe.org. Click here for content usage information. |
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