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The Father I Always Wanted

By Chris Carpenter

Photo: Anissa Thompson

Over the years I have reflected on how my father treated his children and how much it appeared that he cared for us. My father had a really good job and he provided for the family. We never had to worry about where we were going to sleep or what we were going to eat. His way of showing he loved us was by spending money. Instead of spending time with us, he spent countless hours in front of the computer and television.

I thought this was how fathers acted, until I spent time at a friend’s house. His father went to the park with us and played baseball and other sports. He knew what his children were doing and wanted to be part of their lives. As I watched this man, I desperately wanted my father to be interested in what I was doing and include me in his life. It never happened.

A daughter’s bond with her father is extremely important for her emotional well-being. Fathers model to their daughters how males act. Through watching her father interact with women she learns how women should be treated by men. If her father disrespects women, the daughter will believe this is the way women are treated and vice versa. Many times daughters end up dating men that are similar to their fathers, so men, be a positive influence for your daughter.

In similar fashion, sons learn how to treat women by watching their fathers. As a father models respect and admiration for women, his son will emulate these behaviors. Furthermore, the son learns how to be a father. When dad is present and interested his child’s life, the child feels important and loved.

If dad is disinterested in his children, the children have a higher chance of having low levels of self-worth and self-esteem. Children who are neglected may begin to believe that because they are not important to their father, maybe they aren't important to anyone. When a child feels love and interest from their parents their confidence and self-esteem increase; enabling them to go after their dreams and ambitions, because they know their parents will be there for them, supporting them.

Showing partiality

My older brother came from my mother’s first marriage, so my father had a new stepson when he married my mother. However, there was a noticeable difference in the way he treated my brother compared to the way he treated me. He was harder on my brother and less patient. As I look back it appears to me that he liked me better because I was his own flesh and blood.

This is important because the growing trend in America is blended families. Many couples get married who have children from previous relationships. These stepchildren deserve to be treated just like they were their biological kids. When you married, these children became part of your family, therefore you should treat them the way you would want your children treated if they got a new step parent.

Being a good parent involves teaching your children and not letting their behaviors get out of control. Your children should obey what you have to say and mind the rules that you have set up within your family. Many children are out of control, they do not listen to their parents and many are breaking the law.

Gregory Bodenhamer, author of Back In Control, lists three things that a parent can do to get their children to respect and obey them. First, you need to clearly state your goals. Use as few words as possible, but make sure that your rules are clear and that the children know what the consequences are if they don't follow them. Secondly, you need to follow through with your stated rules. This reinforces that the rules have to be followed. Lastly, be consistent. Each time a rule is broken, the consequence you have established must be enforced. For example, you and your child are at the store, they want some candy, but you say no. Your child starts crying and people are watching. Under pressure, you may be tempted to give in to your child's request to get them to stop making a scene, but if you do, you are reinforcing a behavior that will only strenthen with time. Proactively state your rules before you go to the store so your child clearly knows what to expect.

If your child has already established a negative behavior pattern, it isn't too late to start implementing these three steps. It may be rough in the beginning, but your children will learn what is expected of them and will respect you for it.

Parenting provides great opportunities to help children learn how to live, productive, meaningful lives. Just being available to our kids will benefit them more than we may ever know. Even if our parents were not the best role models, we can become the parent we always wanted. We can be there for our children.

Amazon Books: Gregory Bodenhamer’s Back in Control
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Chris Carpenter, MSW, writes from Newbury Park, CA. All rights reserved © 2010 AnswersForMe.org. Click here for content usage information.