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 Your Adult Children By Harvey & Kathy Corwin
Just when parents think their kids are finally out of the nest and on their own, they bring in new members to the family like spouses, grandchildren, in-laws and perhaps a few out-laws. Baby-boomers Tom and Linda thought they were heading towards freedom when their kids got married and left home but much to their surprise when the holidays arrived; problems also arrived. Feelings got hurt when the kids said they had to be at the in-laws for Christmas. Strong words were uttered when Thanksgiving was not going to be the usual festive dinner together. And when the difference of disciplining the grandkids came up, there was a big family upset and no one was happy! Tom and Linda also had a single son who decided to take the rebellious path and seemed to have forgotten every life value that he had been taught. Conversations with him were emotional, illogical and unresolved. How do parents relate in a positive way to their adult child when the going gets tough? The following are ten suggestions to help parents get along with their adult children: 1. Be Flexible. Parents need to realize that their way is not the only way. They need to be open to new ideas and willing to learn from their adult children. 2. Be Fun to be around. If parents can laugh, use some humor and avoid saying “No” to everything, they can create an enjoyable atmosphere. 3. Be Considerate, Empathic and Understanding. See the issue from the adult child’s point of view. They may be going through their own struggles and especially need a parent’s love and support. 4. Be Patient and Listen. If parents would actually take time to hear the verbal and non-verbal words of their children, they would draw closer to them. 5. Be Affirming and Not Critical. Praise draws, criticism repels. Parents often give out more criticism than they give out affirmation. Everyone knows that as human beings we love to be around people who appreciate us. Jesus set an example when He looked for the best in people. Affirmation draws us close in relationships. 6. Be Willing to Communicate but Don’t Push it. It’s all about timing and when their time is right, it should be the parent’s prime time to listen and relate. 7. Be Loving and Show Affection. Put your arm around them; a gentle touch; a pat on the shoulder; a hug; and often saying the words, “I love you.” But more importantly, adult children need to see that their parents are in-love with each other. Role modeling affection sets an example for their kid’s marriage. 8. Be Willing to Say "I'm Sorry, I was Wrong." Some parents think because they are the parent that they are always in the right but when an adult child hears those words in an honest way, they will respond in love. It’s just as valuable to be a forgiving parent and over-look small inadequacies and personality temperaments, rather than making an emotional scene about these differences. 9. Be a Christian. When parents are Christians at home towards their adult children, they are Christians everywhere. A parent’s best example is to model Jesus in their lives. They can preach and talk about it all they want but the loudest example is how the parent lives. 10. Live Your Faith and Don't Expect Your Adult Children to Live Their Lives the Same. Parents need to allow spiritual convictions to come from the Holy Spirit and not from their own manipulation and persuasion. Arguing theology is a waste of time and the task of how to live the spiritual life should be left to God. Parents can accept, love and pray for their adult children. If an adult child leaves God, it may seem that they may never return, however the Bible encourages parents with hope. Read Isaiah 49: 25, which says “… and your children I will save.” There are other encouraging Bible texts for parents: • This is what the LORD says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded," declares the LORD. "They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land" (Jeremiah 31:16,17). • For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants (Isaiah 44:3). • The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call (Acts 2:39). • My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart (Jeremiah 24:6, 7). • The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9). • But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze (Isaiah 43:1.2). • Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God" (Mark 10:27). • Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20). • God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? (Numbers 23:19). • "See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse" (Malachi 4:5-6). • I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them (Hosea 14:4). • Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it (Proverbs 22:6). • Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23). Next time you are tempted to react in a negative way to your adult child, think about these simple ten suggestions that could ease the frustrations between you. The most important thing a parent can do is to love and pray for their family. Good relationships are lasting, both here on this earth and eternally. ______________________________ Harvey and Kathy Corwin, Marriage and Family Educators, write from Redmond, OR. All rights reserved © 2010 AnswersForMe.org. Click here for content usage information. |
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